Love, Lindsey - May 8th 2025

Salmon Sperm & Snail Mucin

What I’m Loving

Would you believe I’m on a deadline again? So I’m mostly loving coffee and having existential meltdowns? It’s fun, you should absolutely not try it sometime. Aside from that, I’m mostly enjoying stupid things I did not need but gave me a wee burst of serotonin, such as:

This handheld vacuum cleaner-wand thingy I purchased with the express intention of getting Jeff to hoover up the mess he makes every single day when does the coffee in a morning. Has it worked? No, because he would have to actually use it for that. Mysteriously, the wand doesn’t turn itself on and hoover up the bits but since I was already the idiot doing the cleaning every day, it does make it slightly more satisfying when I have to do it.

Could I also sweep the bits up or wipe them up with a damp cloth? Probably. Do you still have to sanitize your counter after anyway rendering this extraneous at best? Absolutely! But still, the heart wants what the heart wants and mine wants to hoover up ground coffee. It’s like popping bubble wrap for my frazzled soul and you know, we’re all about adding joy to our lives right now. This right here is joy in a little sucky stick. Highly recommend.

Highlight of the Week

You’re going to have to bear with me on this one because I appreciate it’s going to be divisive but if anyone can explain to me why I’ve taken to larping a variety of creatures’ secretions on my face and my skin has never looked better, I will give them a prize. No, seriously, get online and have a look. If it’s not snail mucin, it’s salmon sperm, if it’s not salmon sperm it’s beef tallow. WHO CAME UP WITH THESE THINGS?

So far, I’ve avoided the tallow because I don’t want to smell like a packet of BBQ Hula Hoops but the salmon jizz and the snail slime? Chef’s kiss. There really isn’t a mystery, the truth is, if enough people on the internet tell me something works, I will inevitably give it a try. I’d like to blame journalistic curiosity but I’m fairly certain it’s just gold old fashioned FOMO. Happily, I am here to report back my results.

Let’s start with snail mucin. It is exactly what it sounds like - skincare products formulated with snail slime. Yes, snail slime. If you’re anywhere near beauty influencers online, you’ve already seen this, and I am thrilled to let you know that it works. For me at least. It’s worth bearing in mind the skin type and desired results of the person recommending stuff to you before you buy - I’m 44, so a rapidly aging and decrepit old hag by beauty influencer standards, with dehydrated but combination skin. My concerns are mostly congestion, discoloration and the way my skin is attempting to abscond from my skeleton at an alarming rate. I’m serious, my jowls are trying to get in the grave early so they can bag the best spot.